Jonah Bashing
by Techo
Summary: After Amy and Dan find the samurai swords, Jonah takes after them. But Dan is ready...
1. Jonah Bashing

**A/N**:

Hey. This is **Maj Enn**. I am usually the one doing the typing for **Techo**, 'cause he's so slow and LAZY…

Ahem. Anyway. He asked me to make an account for him. He wanted to write a 39 Clues fanfic.

He's my little brother and I have taken it upon myself to teach him the ways of FF…

So. Here we go. The whole story is in his words. (With corrected spelling/grammar mistakes.)

**DISCLAIMER: Neither of us own the 39 Clues. That belongs to Rick Riordan and Gordan Korman and Jude Watson and… and… Peter Lerangis and Scholastic and more people.**

* * *

**Jonah Bashing**

Dan was plotting a heist. Amy was busy studying the samurai swords and Nellie was listening to her iPod. Saladin was munching on a large piece of red snapper. All of this was happening in an airport.

Dan looked around from the corner. There was a crowd with Jonah Wizard and his dad following behind, which was just what Dan wanted.

He launched the attack. A fruitcake came hurtling from Dan. It landed square on Jonah's dad's face. Mr. Wizard yelped and dropped his BlackBerry. Picking it up, he tried to keep under control around the flashing cameras. Then he spotted Dan.

Jonah must've seen the "incident" because he started to yell orders to the security guards and cursed Dan. Dan, in a situation like this, would usually be laughing his head off. Instead, he fired another object, only something different.

A three day spoiled pie collapsed on Jonah's face.

In a great rage, Jonah yelled, "Yo! That ain't cool, y'all! You *beeeep* *beep* *beeep* *beep* *beep* *beep*!!" all in perfect gangster-French curse words.

Dan dashed off to warn Nellie that a group of security guards were mistaking them for a group of bandits and that they needed to run. He also warned Amy that Jonah had seen him and had sent security guards to capture them. These two explanations were both half true.

As the security guards got closer, the trio went farther. Saladin thought that they wanted to play cat-and-mouse, but Dan shook his head and pointed toward the flight entrance.

There was a long line. They weaved through, saying, "Excuse me," and "May I get in front of you?"

"Hurry!" shouted Dan. Amy was puffing and Nellie was carrying Saladin now, wondering why they couldn't just tell the security guards they were "mistaken".

Finally, they made it through. They quickly found their seats and sat.

_Well, at least_ I _had fun,_ Dan thought with a grin as they made their way to Tokyo.

* * *

**Maj Enn's explanation:**

According to my brother, this takes place right after _One False Note_. The Janus figured out that Amy and Dan found a clue because of an unconscious pair of Lucians in their headquarters and that hole thing in the wall where the swords were. The Janus find out that Amy and Dan are headed toward Tokyo so Jonah and Dad go to the airport to try to get them before they leave. Their Plan B was to follow them to Tokyo, on a private jet, probably.

Dan had figured out beforehand that the Janus would follow them, so he had prepared the fruitcake and pie earlier, without telling Nellie or Amy. (Maybe Saladin…) Dan got these projectiles from Nellie, who apparently likes fruitcake and pie. (Well, if she likes white asparagus, she probably likes fruitcake, too. Right?)

Saladin has red snapper because a fish shop had an amazing deal.

Amy and Dan and Nellie have only carry-on items and grabbed Saladin in his cage out of the cargo place because the person who took care of pets onboard got distracted by a lovely lady. Later on, Dan hid Saladin in his bag. The swords passed the metal detector stuff by, umm… magic or however it worked in _The Sword Thief_. (We don't have all of the books at home.)

The crowd that had been following the Wizards had about 250 people in it. Some were missing their flights. Three fifths of them followed the chase.

The people in the last line let Amy, Dan, Nellie, and Saladin through because they were taken by surprise and the four of them were fast. When Jonah, Mr. Wizard, and the security guards board the plane to search, Amy, Dan, and Nellie hide under blankets.

Well.

Bye. Read and review… But don't burn this poor kiddy.

iMAJ ENN

...and Techo.


	2. Ack The Cobras!

**A/N:**

**Maj Enn** again. Thank you guys so much for reviewing. **Techo** decided to write six more chapters of _Jonah Bashing_, though now we are introducing the Cobras.

Again, the story is in his words, with corrected grammar and spelling mistakes, and well, yeah… some of my words.

**DISCLAIMER: Yep. The 39 Clues totally belong to us. In our dreams.**

* * *

***Ack* - The Cobras!**

"Natalie, where do you think the Cahills are?" asked a humiliated Ian.

"They're in Tokyo," replied a grumpy Natalie.

"We're here to find Amy and Dan, steal their clues, and come back here," explained Ian as the jet landed.

Ever since they were knocked out by the stupid harpsichord, (technically, Ian was knocked out and Natalie was hit by one of her own darts,) they've been trying to get revenge on those Cahills, (i. e., Amy and Dan).

Meanwhile, Natalie was fumbling with the dart gun from the harpsichord incident. The Kabras strolled down the jet stairs with the thought of winning the Clue hunt and getting revenge on Amy and Dan.

As they looked around Tokyo, they saw something strange: Jonah Wizard.

* * *

**Maj Enn's explanation:**

Short, yes, but we'll put in chapters 2 and 3 together, chapters 4 and 5 together, and then 6, then 7.

The Kabras found Jonah outside the airport, and he's arguing with his dad, not surrounded by adoring fans.

That's all, but here comes chapter 3…

iMAJ ENN

and Techo.


	3. Wizards and Kabras

**A/N:**

Back again, just like I told you.

So. The very brilliant words of**Techo**, typed and edited by **Maj Enn**.

**DISCLAIMER: …the 39 Clues won't belong to us until I turn 18! Just kidding.**

* * *

**Wizards and Kabras**

The Kabras saw Jonah Wizard at the same time Amy, Dan, and Nellie (carrying Saladin,) were in a taxi, thinking about some… stuff.

Amy was thinking about the dangers of the Clue hunt, Dan was thinking about how the streets were weird, Nellie was thinking about her iPod and the security guards from the airport, and Saladin was thinking about the large red snapper he had just finished.

As the taxi stopped, Amy thought of something.

"Um, Nellie? Can you speak Japanese?" asked a nervous Amy.

"Uh, I'm afraid not, but I did trade francs for yen at the airport!" answered Nellie as she yanked the money from her pocket.

Meanwhile, Mr. Wizard was taping a baseball cap the right way onto Jonah's head to prevent him from being recognized. Jonah was complaining, "You're not cool, yo!"

He had lost an argument about whether or not to go undercover or dazzle the crowds. Mr. Wizard was for going undercover and Jonah was for dazzling the crowds.

Mr. Wizard finished taping the cap, something hard to do when you were paying close attention to a BlackBerry.

Ian greeted Jonah and his dad.

"Hi, Mr. Wizard! Hi, Jonah!" yelled a pretending-to-nice/perky Ian.

_What a dork_, thought Jonah. He, like the Kabras, had recently been humiliated. Because of a pie that smacked him square in the face. It had taken a long time to wash off, but now nothing was left.

Mr. Wizard was debating in his mind whether or not to sock Ian or to just continue playing Tetris on his BlackBerry. (He's the world champion! Secret revealed!) Instead, he replied, "Well! If it isn't our distant cousin Ian. Why don't you join us? You too, Natalie."

Astonished that Mr. Wizard said that, Ian replied, "Why, thank you, Mr. Wizard!"

Jonah was a bit mad about the idea, but who cared?

As a limousine pulled up, Jonah told Ian what happened at the airport in gangster words.

"Well, I'm not too surprised. Almost the same thing happened to us," commented Ian, with a grunt of wanting revenge.

Natalie was mute for a while when the limo pulled up to "the Ritz" (in Japanese). That was when Natalie perked up.

"Why do people call this 'the Ritz'?" mumbled Natalie.

"Dunno, y'all!" answered Jonah.

"Well, it should be called something else then!" spat back Natalie in a poutish way.

Suddenly, Natalie had an idea.

"Why don't we get together and get revenge on Amy and Dan together?" yelped Natalie.

"I should have thought about it sooner!" added an inspired Ian.

Jonah joined in. "We could trap 'em, or capture 'em, anything!"

All three of them dashed out of the limo and did a happy dance, while Mr. Wizard just sat there and, for once, enjoyed a quick game of Tetris.

* * *

**Maj Enn's explanation:**

Q: If Nellie can't speak Japanese, how'd the taxi driver know where to drive them?

A: Nellie pointed to a hotel on a map written in English and Japanese.

Q: How did Nellie exchange francs for yen if she couldn't speak Japanese?

A: There were people at the airport who spoke English.

Q: How did Mr. Wizard speak conversely while playing Tetris on his BlackBerry?

A: Lots of practice…

Q: What the heck was up with Mr. Wizard?!

A: The fruitcake from chapter 1 did some stuff to his brain.

Q: Why did Jonah tell Ian about such embarrassing moments?

A: Because he was bored.

Q: Why on earth were a Janus celebrity and two evil Lucians dancing together outside a limo in Tokyo?

A: Because it's TechoWorld.

Peace out, peeps.

iMAJ ENN

and Techo! Techo!! Techo!!!


	4. Who's that Japanese Boy?

**A/N:**

'Ello, folks. It's **Maj Enn** again, presenting you the words of **Techo**, (plus a small, complimentary, serving of her own words too, which everyone finds annoying, eh?).

I ought to have updated the day after chapters 2 and 3, but I forgot… but Techo reminded me. Here you guys go.

**DISCLAIMER: We don't own the 39 Clues. None of it. Except maybe the one that came out on Groundhog's Day… Nah.**

* * *

**Who's that Japanese Boy?**

After Nellie had argued, complained, and screamed with and at the hotel manager like a crazy girl, the manager let them in – even though the poor Japanese woman didn't know English.

Dan kept staring at a Japanese kid who had a rubber-band gun.

_Ha!_ Amy thought. _Now he wants a rubber-band gun!_

She looked around.

_Fantastic!_ she thought.

On one side of the room, a bunch of digital clocks told the time for every time zone. She searched for Italy's. It was 12:03 a.m.! From what her senses told her, Amy knew she was tired. She had thought that it was 11:32 p.m. or something.

She was about to sit back down and passed the manager's desk when the Japanese boy with the rubber-band gun shot. He hit something alright.

BAM! The beautiful flower vase the hotel manager had on her desk was knock over, sent flying toward Amy, and struck her with a whole lot of force on the forehead.

She blacked out. The last thing she saw was Nellie rushing up to her, trying to get her up.

* * *

**Techo's A/N:** Please do not flame this chapter. I do not mean to be racist.

**Maj Enn's explanation:**

…well, the digital clock stuff was inspired by us actually visiting Japan once. We were at this hotel at 2:03 a.m. or something and saw this map of the world with clocks in all these time zones.

The rubber-band gun is like a slingshot or something… and pretty powerful. Just wait and see what else it can do.

I suppose everyone hates the sister/editor/secretary for making A/N's even longer than the actual story, but OH, WELL. Techo can't fire me, mwahaha.

R&R, says Techo.

(But who listens to him?)

(A lot of people, hopefully…)

iMAJ ENN

and Techo, the Brillant.


	5. It's Dan's Turn

**A/N:**

Random useless facts: **Techo** the Brillant is a Janus. His sister/editor/secretary, **Maj Enn**, is an Ekat.

…only it makes more sense the other way around. In my opinion, my drawings kick his drawings'… umm… Well, he likes science-y stuff.

**DISCLAIMER: The 39 Clues? We own the first, second, and now third book… and Techo has the sixth one borrowed from the library… but that's it, sadly.**

* * *

**It's Dan's Turn**

The Japanese boy, you might have guessed, was either Ian or Jonah.

It was Jonah. Amy and Dan didn't recognize him. Jonah had rolled up his sleeves, changed into Japanese jeans, and kept a Japanese brand's cap on his head, which Mr. Wizard taped again.

He borrowed the gun from Natalie, one of her favorite toys. Ian had mentioned to him that she treasured it since pre-kindergarten. Ian now had a slugged arm and an exclusive black eye.

Anyway, next Jonah shot a chair with twice as much force of the last time. The chair came hurtling toward Dan.

But Dan wasn't going to fall for it. He saw plenty of ninja movies like this, with swords hurtling and things flying toward the hero ninja.

Maybe Dan would make it.

Maybe he wouldn't.

On second thought, he certainly wouldn't.

"HIII-YA – "

BAM! Square in the face of Dan was a chair, and Dan fumbled. He shook. He staggered. He fell over. He blacked out.

Nellie was staring. Police were coming. The manager was calling security.

Jonah dashed out. Jonah was happy. But he had only wanted to hurt Dan. The only reason why Jonah also hurt Amy was because she was involved with the Kabras' incident. Not his.

_Well, who cares?_ thought Jonah.

Still clutching the rubber-band gun, he decided to do something else. He shot the manager.

The manager was saying one word over and over again until she was knocked out: _Polizei_.

Polizei?_ That's German!_ Jonah exclaimed in his brain.

"I must be going crazy or something!" he said out loud as he dashed to the Ritz.

**

* * *

**

Maj Enn's explanation:

...

so. Extremely powerful rubber-band gun. Can't you just imagine a toddler Natalie going around with that thing? Gosh, Techo.

Yeah, I know that in _One False Note_, Jonah's "hip-hop swagger" gives him away. But I guess he was just standing around, alright?

Alright, it's a little racist, or rather, blunt, in chapters 4 and 5. I apologize to the readers in Japan, if there are any, and to anyone who has any sort of connection to Japan.

I think that's it.

R&R, peeps.

iMAJ ENN

and Techo, The Evil Chicken Hotdog Omelet.


	6. NOT THE END YET!

**A/N:**

Hello, children. And teenagers and young adults and adults and seniors.

Did you miss **Techo**, the Awesome and his sister/editor/secretary/definitely-not-sidekick, **Maj Enn**?

Hmph. Probably just the former. Darn you all…

The follow presentation is the words of Techo, edited by his unhappily unpaid employee.

**DISCLAIMER: Nope.**

* * *

**NOT THE END… YET!**

After what happened last night, Dan planned a heist once more.

He clutched two water balloons in each hand. That night, without telling Nellie or Amy, he snuck into the Ritz and set his trap. 45 minutes later, he snuck out.

*Dun-dun-dun-dunnnn Dun-dun-dun-dunnnn*

Around 11:05 a.m., everybody heard the scream.

Everybody. Every. Body.

Ian and Natalie covered their ears and steered themselves down the hallway, to the source of where the sound was coming from.

Looking around the corner, Ian stared. Jonah was soaked head to toe, and an extra large, size-of-a water balloon was hanging on the ceiling, ready to fall whenever it wanted.

Natalie overreacted. She shot the looming balloon with her dart gun, and I have to say, it literally went boom.

It was a disaster.

And then lying on the floor, ear to ear, were Ian, Jonah, and Natalie. Japanese people stared. All of them screamed. Another large balloon came plummeting down on them.

Later, after hearing on the news about the "accident" at the Ritz, Dan just laughed his head off, even though he couldn't understand Japanese.

**

* * *

**

Maj Enn's explanation:

...I lied in chapter 2. Techo had only written five chapters after _Jonah Bashing_. Sorry, folks. Maybe I can get him to write some more... but this means that there needs to be a lot of reviews that encourage him... (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

Alright, so Dan sneaks into the Ritz with a grappling hook that latched onto the roof, and a skeleton key or something. Plus his mad ninja skills that he can only use during the full moon.

The water balloons were remote controlled. That's why they didn't randomly fall on someone else.

Where was Mr. Wizard? He was in his hotel room, still playing Tetris on his precious BlackBerry.

Natalie had lost a few brain cells because of Jonah's scream, and that's why she OOC'ly overreacted.

Again, the racism towards Japan. Techo can be mean and hurtful unintentionally. Please allot him a break. I will put him in timeout until his tenth review.

Eh, I'm being lazy and saying that's all you need to know.

So. Despite what the chapter title says, this is, for now, the last chapter of _Jonah Bashing_.

**Techo's A/N:** Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading this. R&R! **(Maj Enn: Even though you have just read...)**

Sayonara,

iMAJ ENN

and Techo, the Ninja.


End file.
